The Power of Listening

I am sure that you all know the feeling: you arrive at a networking event where you see at least some familiar faces. You happily approach somebody you know and start talking but the person you are addressing seems to be looking above you or past you searching for somebody of higher importance than yourself or simply being distracted by other attendees walking by. Well, how does this make you feel? Do you feel valued, understood and appreciated as a human being? Certainly not!

I get the impression that the more we are all connected through various digital means, the more people forget or unlearn ' or maybe they never knew the secrets of it ' how to really apply the one crucial thing when encountering somebody else: listening. It seems to be stupid and so common that we don't even need to talk about it.

When you read professional contributions or articles around coaching, leadership, management skills etc., this one simple 'ingredient' is very often simply omitted. What then happens is actually very sad: either the person you are talking to repeats the same question over and over again, showing obviously that he or she is somewhere else in his/her mind but not with you; or even worse: your interlocutor doesn't let you finish one single sentence but instead drives the conversation to himself/herself, clearly indicating complete disinterest in the messages or the story you are trying to convey. Some people even continue staring at their PCs or other devices or are still typing when others come to speak to them. Not only is this highly impolite (especially the latter) but it also expresses one thing: that the basis of communication and dialogue between two people is not functioning. When we look at a simplified model of the process of communication we see the following:

In order for you, the sender, to transmit a message or a story to your interlocutor, the process needs to be 'noise-free' meaning that there should be no disturbance. So, if your counterpart is not listening, there is 'noise' and hence no possible communication.

The good news is that listening is a skill that you can learn. As every other skill, it requires practice and attention. Try it out for yourself:

-       Pay attention to the person in front of you and avoid any kind of distraction;

-       Show that you are interested in what the person has to say and that you are actively listening, by asking questions, smiling, nodding etc. Your whole body language has to show that you are fully there and the more empathy you are showing, the better;

-       Provide feedback and let the other person finish his/her thoughts;

-       Try not to put yourself in the foreground by providing too many examples of your own experience (seen that, done that), defer judgements;

-       Show respect and be very open with your body language and through what you say.

You will see that your interlocutor will feel appreciated and valued and that the more you will do that, the more people will come to you for advice, discussion, leadership and direction.

And at networking events, well, simply forget the people who are not listening and find the ones who do' these are the 'real' connections you would want to make and for whom coming to such an event is very much worthwhile!