How to Manage Conflict at Work, Part VII: Are You in the Manager's Last Ditch?

So far in this series, we've been assuming that the opponents in the conflict are working in good faith. But not all conflicts are straightforward disputes, unfortunately. Some can't be resolved merely with extra focus and new data. And some people may start out believing (or come to believe) that they absolutely cannot work together amicably.

Before you get embrangled in 'he said, she said' or fall into the abyss of frustration and stress that comes with being a permanent umpire, try to work things out the old-fashioned way ' through collaborative communication and a commitment to the higher ideals of the organization.

Work Step by Step

Here's a roadmap so you can retrace your steps through the general process of managing and resolving conflict, with links to the relevant prior posts:

• Remind opponents that they're not the same ' that it's okay to see the situation from different vantage points, and that they should be sensitive to these differences in each other. (Part I)
• Restate the highest purpose of the organization, team, or project to create common ground; identify as many shared values as possible. (Part II)
• Articulate the facts of the conflict to give participants another chance to resolve or disavow it. (Part III)
• Help the opponents in the conflict verbalize what they mean and what they want ' and remember that these things may differ from the positions they are taking. (Part III, Part V)
• Invite or excuse other participants as necessary to streamline or amplify the content or process. (Part V)
• Assess the various conflict styles and coach the opponents as necessary to ensure good behavior and clarity. (Part I, Part VI)
• Identify and resolve any structural or cultural barriers to agreement. (Part V)
• Clarify disagreements over facts versus beliefs or positions. (Part III)
• Probe for areas of tacit or partial agreement to build on. (Part III, Part VI)
• List options or new approaches for each area where agreement does not yet exist, and look for new aspects that might form part of a larger pact. (Part III, Part VI)
• Help craft declarations of the steps for going forward in compromise or consensus. (Part IV)
• Encourage apologies, private or public, if appropriate. (Part IV)
• Specify or conduct 'harmonizing rituals' if groups of people are involved. (Part IV)
• Give the participants concrete praise about their contributions to the agreement. (Part IV)
• Monitor implementation and continue praising; revisit any stage of the process as needed. (Part IV)

Dealing with people who can't let go of conflict usually takes more time than you'd really want to devote to it, so try not to feel discouraged if the process is slow. It's worth it if you can eliminate repeat refereeing assignments.

No More Benefit of the Doubt

Unfortunately, some people so desperately need to feel in control, or need attention so badly that they're willing to act like the enemy. Some people simply like the excitement of fighting. These cases may require a greater application of your raw authority.

Say one opponent is not on the level and is throwing up roadblocks ' perhaps intentionally misleading or manipulating people or behaving passive-aggressively. When that happens, you need a shift in tone and perspective.

Instead of being generous and saying, 'I'm sorry, I don't think I'm getting this from your point of view,' toughen up a bit. Say: 'I'm really not getting your point.' In the face of self-serving, manipulative behavior, you have to be explicit about what is being said indirectly.

Rephrase their stance to be as concrete as possible: 'So you want Tony to give up A even though you're not planning to give up a single bit of B. Am I understanding you correctly? I may not be, because it doesn't make sense that that's what you'd be saying since you already agreed to help find alternatives that both you and Tony could live with.'

Letting Go

It's rare, but there are times when an individual is so convinced that they should have their way that you can't broker a peace ' or convince them to behave better. And there may be occasions when two wonderful employees, for foolish or rational reasons, just can't work things out together.

Be sure, as the leader, that you are not inciting any of these undesirable situations. Then you can consider the opponents' refusal or inability to collaborate successfully as negative performance information that has impact on their reviews, consideration for promotion, and ongoing employment.

And consider this sad but true fact: Sometimes the only way to end a conflict completely is when one of the participants is no longer in a role that permits their participation.